The Idiocy Chronicles
by Tsukiakari no Ha
Summary: Join Patrick and Cosmo on their adventures through idiocy! Find out how the things in everyday life can be screwed up by two of the biggest well-known idiots ever! As always, thanks for clicking/reading!
1. The Mysteries of the Revolving Door

WHAT UP MA PEEPS? Okay, so it's time to try something different! Well, not really, just that instead of one oneshot, it's gonna be a BUNCH of oneshots, neatly tied up into a series. Lol, I got this idea in math class. Of all places **:)**

The Idiocy Chronicles

Chapter 1 - The Mysteries of the Revolving Door

For most of us who have some essence of intelligence, we seem to focus more on the major things in life. For example, when we go somewhere, we simply focus on the destination instead of the journey. However, for the intellectually deficient, the journey seems to be the destination. The same also goes for the more simple things in life. Things in life that most of us overlook. Though we may call these people idiots, who knows? Perhaps they may posses a knowledge that could surpass our own.

...Now onto the actual story! ^^

Patrick ran through Jellyfish Fields, while happily swinging his back and forth in a vain attempt to try and catch the jellyfish. As usual, he had no sense of direction, and soon found himself in downtown Bikini Bottom, and standing in front of a building with a cylinder like thing where the entrance should be. Patrick stopped running and stared at the cylinder in an idiotic daze of wonder and awe. He escaped from his daze when he saw a fish in business attire walk out of the building. He watched as the doors began to spin, while the fish walked through it, appearing to become blurred in the visual mirage the spinning doors created. Patrick began to grin, showing his single baby tooth that stood alone in his mouth, and started giggling. He ran towards the door, like a child would at Christmas morning, and began examining it. He tentatively stuck out one of his points and gently pushed one of the panels on the door. It spun slowly, making a slight squeak as it did so. Patrick flinched back at this, afraid, but then stopped when he saw it would do him no harm. He laughed stupidly, and began to spin the panels using more force. This caused them to move faster and faster, creating a slight breeze while picking up exponential speed. Patrick stopped laughing and began to reach out towards the door panels, wanting to spin them even faster, but such was not the case. No, instead, when his hand made contact with the panels, they ricocheted him away from the revolving door, effectively flinging him hundreds of feet away from the city and making him land ungainly in the grassy patches of Jellyfish Fields. He got up dazedly, while rubbing the back of his head. After noticing that he was in Jellyfish Fields, he smiled stupidly and walked in another direction, one that led deeper into the fields. He started giggling when he saw the swarms of jellyfish, and rushed in further into the swarm to continue his playing among them.

Phew! Finally finished :) this really took longer than i expected, but most of that was due to laziness :P Well, expect more chapters like this later on! On a completely different note, I'm listening to the Hamster Dance! :D

And Review Please! :D


	2. The Return of Super Toilet

Wow, it's been like forever since I last updated, huh? Well, at least I'm updating now, right? Also, I got good news and bad news. The good news? This, and many other stories are on the way! The bad news. They'll all be updated on a random basis. Now that that's out of the way, onto the story!

I don't anything… at all

On a typical Saturday afternoon, you were likely to see this in Dimsdale. Kids playing outside, all the while neglecting the homework that they were assigned Friday, along with teachers stuck in their homes, grading papers and making their lesson plans. Yup, just a typical Saturday afternoon for everyone. Everyone except Timmy Turner. His Saturdays were never typical, they were always filled with adventure, and that was how he liked it. However, this Saturday was quite a rarety, even for him. Instead of going on an adventure, Timmy Turner could be seen laying on the floor of his room, completely bored out of his mind and far too lazy to get and lay on the bed. With an exasperated yet equally frustrated sigh, he groaned out, "I'm so bored!". His fairies then poofed from their fishbowl and shot worried glances at the buck-toothed ten year old, Poof looking the most worried. Wanda's face then lit up. "I know", she declared, "How about we go to Fairy World?". Upon seeing no reaction from Timmy, or anyone for that matter, she started spitting out random suggestions. Ugopitamia and the world of the Crimson Chin comic books were just a few of the options in her rant. Even a trip to Momma Cosma's house was on the list, but all were given the same reaction, sheer boredom with a ting of laziness. Just as she was about to nag her umpteenth suggestion, salsa music began to play, followed by a "poof" and a stage light that shone down on a figure seemingly out of nowhere. The figure was then revealed as Wandisimo Magnifico, the Spanish heartthrob, along with Wanda's ex-boyfriend and Cosmo's sworn enemy. This caused everyone to stop what they were doing, the aura of boredom and laziness practically evaporating from the room. Wanda spoke up, "Wandisimo? What are you doing here?". To that, he grabbed Wanda's hand and kissed it, although, it wasn't Wanda's hand that he kissed. No, instead, the hand he kissed was none other than Cosmo's, to which he quickly resorted to flailing it in the air yelling, "Eew, get it off, get it off!". Wandisimo then explained why he was here, "Chu see, Wanda, my pink swirly-haired angel, I am here to challenge chour husband to a duel of machoness.". At hearing this, Cosmo immediately flew in front of Wanda, yelling bravely, "I accept!". Wandisimo smirked, "Very well. This duel will be in a field that chu know quite well, Cosmo.". Timmy furrowed one of his eyebrows, and piped up, "What field is that?". Wandisimo grinned widely, stretching his arms to their full length, he exclaimed, "Why idiocy, of course!". Timmy, Wanda, and Poof all breathed a sigh of relief. Idiocy was Cosmo's specialty. No one could beat him, he was that good. After the arena was prepared, Wandisimo explained the rules, "The rules are simple. Make chour opponent enter the fetal position, and chu win. Now as for the stakes…" He eyed Wanda when he said this, "Is that the winner gets to take the fabulous Wanda out on a date.". He stared Cosmo dead in the eyes and asked, "Are chu ready?". Cosmo took a stance and yelled, "I'm ready!". And so, the idiocy battle began, but Wandisimo wasn't planning to waste all of his time in this battle. No, he planned to pull out the heavy artillery quickly. With a yell and a wave of his wand, Wandisimo proclaimed, "It is over for chu, Cosmo!" and poofed up Cosmo's biggest fear. The one thing that made him scream like a girl and cause his green hair to turn white. The very thing that haunted his very dreams. That's right, Super Toilet, the very name sending shivers down his spine. As soon as Cosmo registered what was poofed up, he immediately let out a startled cry, followed by screaming the famous line, "So…much…CLOGGING!". His knees drew up to his chest and his thumb immediately sought comfort in his mouth, while the rest of him rocked aimlessly back and forth. Wandisimo stood in triumph, then wasted no time in grabbing Wanda and "poofing" away from the scene. Timmy just stared at him expressionlessly, muttering, "You need therapy, Cosmo." and then went downstairs to watch TV. Cosmo, however, stayed positioned in place, rocking back and forth, in the fetal position, and desperately trying to go to his happy place.

And Chapter 2 is… DONE! :D Whew, glad that's done. Sorry it took so long to update, guys, but with homework and life I barely get any free time anymore. But hey, that's what the weekend's for right?

Fun Fact: Did you know that the brain operates on the same amount of power as a 10watt light bulb? Lol, found this on the inside of a Snapple cap xD Review! :D


	3. Lamps

Another update! It looks like I'm updating this slower than my other story. :P meh, it could just be procrastination… Anyway, onto the story! We get to deal with Patrick again :D

I don't own anything…

A rock to a sea star is very important. It can prvide shelter, protection, and security when needed most. It can also withstand the living conditions of one Patrick Star, who anyone else would deem deplorable. Yup, a rock is everything to a sea star, but how would they react to the furniture within the rock?

Patrick stared at the present that Spongebob had given him for Vest Friends Day. It was a long brass pole with a base of the same color. On the top of was a blue shade with pink starfishes going around it. Within the shade, was a piece of beaded string that dangled from a mechanism that was also within the shade. Now, the reason as to why Patrick was staring at is because he didn't know what it was. He remembered Spongebob telling him that it was called a "lamp", but that was all he said before running out of the rock and down to the Krusty Krab for his shift. So now, Patrick was stuck with this thing that he didn't know how to use. After he finished his staring contest with it, he shrugged, "Well, might as well see how this thing works.". He found a black cord, and soon found an outlet that matched the cord's specifications. He plugged it in, expecting it to do something, but it did nothing. He furrowed his eyebrows, then pulled off the shade, seeing a small hole where a light bulb could fit. However, that wasn't the first thing he noticed. No, the first thing he noticed was the beaded string, attached and dangling off the pole. He pulled it once, hearing a short "clicking sound". He grinned and laughed as he continued to pull on the string. His laughter died down once he had his fun with the string, but then noticed the hole. His eyes lit up, as though he had a stroke of genius. He ran to his closet and yanked it open, throwing and flinging things that were not the desired item. He squealed when ho found what he was looking for, a light bulb. He carried it as though it were a king, putting it on it's own pedestal. Once he got to the lamp, he screwed the light bulb in, awaiting something magical to happen. Such was not the case. Upon screwing the light bulb in, Patrick had forgotten about the beaded string he had played with not long ago. Well, it turned out that he left the beaded string when it was set to the "on" position. Once Patrick had securely screwed the light bulb in, he was met with an electric shock that raced from his arm that was on the light bulb, to the rest of his body. He yelled as it passed through him, his skeleton becoming visible for only a second before the shock had subsided. Patrick was now on the ground, slightly burnt. He sat up dazedly, rubbing the side of his head. "What happened?" he asked, confusedly. He gazed at the lamp, now seeing that it was now lit, illuminating almost half of the rock. Patrick smiled and stood up triumphantly, "Well, my work here is done.". He then walked up to the lamp, and pointing a finger at it, accusingly said, "Hah! In your FACE, lamp! I have defeated you!", and with that, stalked off proudly to bed, the feeling of showing that lamp who's boss accompanying him to his sleep.

Yay, finally done! I got this idea from a Spongebob episode. Oh yeah, I'm open to any ideas for this fic! Let me know what you guys think, and I'll try and make it work, k?

Now, time for a brain teaser! Ok, you guys have to name…

The people who said this line

What show/movie they're from

And who said the quote

Got it? Good! The quote is… "We're on a baby hunt. And don't think we don't know how to weed 'em out."

Alright, that's it guys, review your answers and the story. Whoever gets it right will get a shoutout in the next chapter! Good luck! :D


	4. Giant Candy Canes

This took me forever to write. Lol, so much for a productive weekend xD. So it's time to go back to the idiots :D and its Cosmo's turn, too!

I don't own anything except for my love of exploiting idiots for my amusement

Whenever it snowed, the same protocol would take place. All of the children would wake up extra early to watch the news to see if they're school was closed. If it was closed, they would grab their coats and mittens, along with their snow boots, and rush out the door at unfathomable speeds, they're giddy footsteps making loud noises in the freshly fallen snow. If not, little hearts would be shattered, as they slowly got ready for school, the joyous screams of the children who didn't have school that day piercing their very souls. All in all, if you had school on a snow day, you were depressed. Such was not the case, as everyone in Dimsdale had a snow day. Cosmo was especially happy about this. He hated school, even if he didn't go to it. While in the middle of a snowball fight, Cosmo was about to throw a snowball at Timmy, but was soon knocked down to the ground by a snowball shooting cannon. Cosmo emerged from the snow pile and stared dizzily into nothingness, his vision blurring in and out. Not surprisingly, his condition suddenly got better upon hearing the familiar jingle of sweets. He grinned when he saw the small candy canes being sold by the vendors. He flew up, and made a bee-line for them, but not for the small ones. Cosmo had his heart set on the giant one at the top of the building where the candy canes were being sold. He gazed at the giant candy cane in awe, and bowed down to it in worship. After a few more seconds of gazing at it, he slowly extended his tongue out towards the giant candy cane, awaiting the sweet, savory taste of peppermint. Once his tongue had made contact with the candy cane, it froze his tongue, more specifically, the tip of his tongue. Cosmo yelled out in dismay, and tried frantically to free his tongue, but his efforts were to no avail. Timmy noticed this and wished up a few ways to free Cosmo's tongue. He tried to cut, burn, hacksaw, even hypnotize Cosmo's tongue into freeing itself, but just like before, all of Timmy's and Cosmo's efforts were to no avail. Wanda got fed up with Cosmo's idiocy and flew up towards him. After slapping him and nagging him that sticking his tongue to a giant candy cane was a bad idea, she waved her wand and with a "poof", everyone was back in Timmy's bedroom. Timmy shrugged at them, and went downstairs to make some hot chocolate. Cosmo followed suit, also wanting hot chocolate, but soon found himself stuck in the doorway of Timmy's room. He looked down and saw that half of the giant candy cane had poofed with him, and was still stuck to the tip of his tongue. He grabbed his tongue, and tried to pull it off of the candy cane. While Cosmo did this, Timmy walked back to his fairies, in his hand was a cup of steaming hot chocolate. Without a second thought, Timmy threw the hot beverage on Cosmo, hitting his tongue entirely. Cosmo screamed once his tongue made contact with the hot chocolate, his tongue now sporting blisters due to how hot the drink was. He zipped past everyone, making a bee-line for the bathroom, where after diving into the toilet, he felt sweet relief. During all of this, the giant candy cane laid on the floor, completely forgotten. Timmy smiled and threw the discarded piece of the giant candy cane out of his window, which then hit Mr. Crocker on the head while he was ice-skating on the slippery roads. Timmy turned a deaf ear to Mr. Crocker's screams of pain and went downstairs to watch Crash Nebula, his fairies floating closely behind him.

Finally done. Man, laziness can be a real pain :P anyway, I just noticed how Christmassy this is, lol and December's like five months away, too :D Well, there's chapter four, stay tuned for chapter five! Also, I'm open to any ideas, especially since I'm running out of stuff for Cosmo, lol. Review!


	5. The Light In the Fridge

Damn, I didn't realize how long it was since I last updated this. Sorry about that, guys! *sweatdrops* Hopefully this chapter will make up for the delay. Again sorry!

I don't own anything

One day while Patrick was at Spongebob's house, he heard his stomach growl. A scowl appeared on his face followed by a look of determination to find food, wherever it may be. As he nearly ripped Spongebob's fridge door from it's hinges, Patrick grinned, exposing his lone baby tooth in the process, as he gawked at the overflowing fridge brimming with delicious contents. He quickly grabbed a dish and popped the lid open, revealing a container of seaweed-noodle stew. Patrick ducked his head into the dish and slurped the stew into his mouth. He resurfaced with bits of seaweed on his face, and sighed contentedly. However, his stomach still growled in protest, demanding more food. Patrick obeyed his stomach and tossed the dish behind him, then stuck his head into the fridge again, and repeated the same process. Open, stuff face, discard. That was the process, and one that Patrick was very familiar with. This went on until the fridge was completely empty, with nothing but metallic shelves staring back at him. Patrick smiled and rubbed his stomach contentedly. As he looked up, he noticed something that got his full attention. It was a small bulb on the top of the fridge, but at the same time, was still inside the fridge. It produced a warm glow that lit the entire fridge in a yellow light. Patrick stared at in wonder, before falling to his knees and bowing down to it. While still on his knees, he crawled towards the light bulb and gingerly touched it, only to jerk back at the sudden heat that burned his finger. Patrick muttered, "Stupid light bulb." before slamming the fridge door shut, making the light shut off as well. His eyes widened at this, and he opened the fridge again, making the light shine back at him as if in greeting. Then, he closed the door again, this time slowly. After about five minutes, the light bulb flickered off, making Patrick giggle as he flung the door open again, but this time the light didn't come on. Patrick looked confused and closed the door again, then waited. He waited, and waited, and waited, until finally opening the door in a panic. The light bulb still didn't come on, continuing Patrick's panicked state. As he panicked, he frantically looked around for another light bulb, but to his dismay couldn't find any. That was when Gary entered the room in search of something to eat, and giving Patrick an idea, which hurt his head for a good five minutes. After his headache ceased, he grabbed the snail and unscrewed the light bulb from it's socket. He then shoved Gary into the socket, making him light up both himself and the fridge. Patrick smiled, satisfied with his work, and slammed the fridge door shut, turning a deaf ear to Gary's "meows" of complain. Patrick then exited out of Spongebob's pineapple house and trekked over to his rock, intent on watching television for the rest of the day.

Whew, done. Again, sorry this took so long, but at least now it's updated, right? Well, review! :D


	6. Destruction of Dimensions

Ok, time for the final chapter of the idiocy chronicles! So, here we go!

I don't own anything

Bikini Bottom…

As Patrick walked towards the Krusty Krab, his mind, not surprisingly, was on the delicious, mouth watering sandwich that was the Krabby Patty. As he skipped merrily towards the restaurant, a blue swirling vortex appeared before him, making Patrick stop in his tracks. He gazed at the portal in awe, mumbling, "Oooh, pretty colors." Before he could stare at the portal any longer, it pulled him into the swirling vortex by sucking in everything. Patrick screamed while holding on to a coral reef for dear life, but could feel his grip slipping. With a final scream of, "Kraaaaaby Paaaaaties!" the portal sucked him in, making him spiral into the unknown.

Dimsdale…

"Wheeee!" Cosmo yelled as he flew throughout Dimsdale Park. He wasn't going anywhere in particular, he was just flying around. He then got bored, but then exclaimed happily, "I'm gonna turn into a squirrel!" With a wave of his wand, Cosmo turned into a little green squirrel. He grinned and scurried up the trunk of a tree. Cosmo then reached up and found a stash of acorns, which he then stuffed into his mouth all at once. As he continued to stuff his face, a blue, swirling vortex appeared in front of the tree. Cosmo stared at it, his green eyes shining. "So swirly." He said in awe, "So many pretty colors." With a laugh, he jumped into the portal, yelling, "Yaaaaaaaay!" and diving into the unknown.

In an unknown dimension connecting Bikini Bottom and Dimsdale…

Patrick and Cosmo's voices echoed closer to each other as the two portals spit them out. Patrick got up dazedly and looked around, his eyes immediately spotting Cosmo floating in front of him. He screamed, "Ahh! An alien!" This made Cosmo scream, "Ahh! Talking blob!" They both cowered and screamed, "Don't hurt me!" After a few more minutes of screaming, the two looked at each other, then started giggling, which then turned into full out laughter. Their laughing ceased however, when a rumble had shook the dimension. The same thing happened again about five seconds later, but was more severe. During the quake, two bubbles popped into the dimension. One bubble showed the Bikini Bottom, and the other showed Dimsdale. Both places were in shambles, and getting worse with each passing minute. Patrick and Cosmo watched in shock, but didn't leave their places at the bubbles. Finally, with one last catastrophic rumble tearing through the dimensions, the bubbles disappeared in a flash of light, followed by the destruction of Bikini Bottom, Dimsdale, and every other dimension in the known universe.

Yay! Finally done! Well, that's it, guys. Sorry if it was so short. Thanks for reading, and review! :D


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